humph

I’m finding it difficult to function properly when you are suupose to be a caretaker and a student at the same time. How is it that when i finally get things back on track my grandmom takes a turn for the worse? I understand that she’s sick, and i don’t even mind when she doesn’t make it in time to the bathroom to deficate. Its a part of the disease, but why when my grandmother frustrates my mother do i have to be yelled at? When did i become the emotional punching bag? I’m not the bionic woman or anything. My grades are soo bad, and my focus is even worse because of all this BS.

In fact, i’m afraid to give myself a break and move out, or dorm on campus because i’m afraid i’ll miss out on my grandmom’s last moments. This is too much to handle. It really is. Panic and anxiety attacks come on a daily basis, i’ve developed a love for food because its a comfort, thus have gained weight. That drops my confidence level dramatically, and it just gets worse and worse.

but i can handle it right? i mean if i don’t it just gives my mother another reason to scream at me.

asdfghjkl;

what a horrid day. i feel crappy, angry, bothered and above all…disappointed.

truth.beauty.freedom.love.

2.20.07

Yesterday = horrific.

I’m known for making lists so here we go…

1.) my first linguistics test was last friday. I was super confident about it. I studied since the first day…looking over new chapters and old when reading and such…made extra outlines, did extra work and such. So what’s my grade…48!

needless to day i started to cry when i walked out of the classroom.

2.) i couldn’t print out a paper for my edu155 class…so i went to my professor and she printed it for me. Then what happens…i start bawling my eyes out in front of her. I couldn’t even help it, i just was crying. Well, she and i started to talk about the grade, then what i could do to better myself and such. She gave me a hug and told me to hang in there and sent me to this “brown bag” thing with graduate students who explain their research projects in the field of education. It was a great experience. I learned a lot from them. I owe my professor so much. She didn’t need to do that for me.

3.) when i went home and told my mother about the grade she went off on me. “your scholarships and grants are on the line” , “you have to start listening…you know you never listen to me, and i bet you don’t listen to your professors” , “I don’t care that because i claimed you, that you gave me an extra 2,000 dollars on taxes…blah blah blah”. You know she really knows how to hit me when i’m down and makes me feel worse.

today has been better…i got my first grade for my english studies and it’s looking up. a B+/C- is not bad at all. In fact i’m going to make office hours with him and we are going to make a list of things i can improve on and i’m going to have to make a trip to the writing center.

I hope it gets easier!!!

truth.beauty.freedom.love

Dear Diary,

  How cliche huh? You have to start somewhere I suppose. I’m suppose to be using wordpress for a class, but I think I am deciding that I want to use this as a primary diary/journal. So let’s start shall we?

   Today was uneventful. I had a test…hope i did well on it. Had class, ate lunch with Andrew (my boyfriend), and came home. Tonight was the first Friday i had off from teaching guard since October. So how did i celebrate? I slept 3 hours. haha. Tomarrow i have guard rehearsal from 9-1. I am ending up writing and teaching the show. Yay for my competence and my work ethic. I have to remember to do my resource exchange paper. Which reminds me…i need to look us inclusive narrative writing. Oh well, i need to read for English now.

 truth.beauty.freedom.love