le sigh

I really do not think I could feel any lower, or be more disappointed in myself than i can be right now. Yesterday was my portfolio defense for my master’s at the university of pennsylvania. And my portfolio was 85 pages long, with what I thought to be a great representation of who I have come to be in the program. I sat down yesterday morning, read through my entire portfolio, and reflected before I made bullet points of topics I wanted to touch on in my 5 minutes of explaining how this portfolio process went for me.

However, when I went to talk, I had not used any of my notes. I feel like I ended up complaining, ranting and venting about how difficult it was for me, personally, because of the death of my grandmother, and the negative resistance from my mother everyday. I ended up crying by the time the 5 minutes was up for two reasons. A.) I had suddenly realized who I had become, and B.) I had fucked up…BIG TIME.

I am apparently a person who uses my life experience to make excuses for my poor performance. I deflect all of my short comings into excuses that result in the “oh woe is me, you should feel sorry for me” life story. I am not going to lie, I wanted to talk about how I crumbled and fell apart last semester. It was difficult, but I wanted to talk about why I felt so strongly about the topics I chose to take up in my portfolio.

I ended up making an ass out of myself, and I am embarrassed at my performance. I had to e-mail the entire panel of professors last night, because I was the one who had the voice recorder to actually record the session of myself and 5 of my peers. In the e-mail, i professed my humiliation and apologized for my performance. I received an e-mail this morning saying in effect, “good effort”.

saying, “good effort” to someone is like watching your favorite professional sports team blow the championship. Am i to assume that i performed that horribly? I feel like i did.

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